It's beginning to look like...A BABY'S on the way!!! :)

      

Santa Claus BABY is coming to town!!! 

Tyler's work had a Christmas party at the Joseph Smith Memorial Building in SLC. It was fun to meet some of his coworkers and they all had great things to say about what a hard worker Tyler is! 

We walked around Temple Square
to see the lights while we were
up there. I never get tired of taking
pictures in front of the temple...
especially because it reminds me
 that I get to be with
Tyler FOREVER! Ü
There was a small nativity with
Mary, Joseph, and Jesus set up in
the reflecting pool in front of the
temple-which added the perfect
touch to the evening...
We're getting SO excited to
 have our own little boy to
 love and hold! 

We've had some fun decorating our apartment for Christmas (or at least I have and Tyler joins in to keep me happy!) We are staying in Provo because we don't want to be too far away when our little man decides he's ready and Tyler wants to be able to take days off of work when he comes, (he only gets Christmas Day off) ...so it's just going to be us for Christmas. It will be different not being with family, but we're hoping to still make it fun and maybe start some new traditions! We have lots of lights up and little things around the apartment- plus a miniature Christmas tree! :) We did get together with my siblings before finals started to decorate Christmas cookies and watch The Santa Clause- which was fun.

*The little missionary cookie is in honor of Lance- on his mission in Spain. We are excited to get to talk to him soon! 

So-with that being our current situation, what a better way to really focus on the true spirit of Christmas, right?! Well, I hate to admit it, but it's still been a little challenging for me.  

As my first semester as a graduate student was wrapping up and my brain power was getting pretty low on fuel (and I can't even blame it all on being pregnant)-I was being asked with even more frequency, "What are you doing next semester?" and feeling more and more stressed about it. My dilemma is still the same: I don't want to have to choose. I grew up knowing I wanted to be a full-time mom and pictured myself surrounded by kids. However, I also feel like I have a wonderful opportunity to become qualified to do something that I also am passionate about and that will give me future options- whether doing stuff privately while I have kids or working part-time in a school or other facility when they are older...or even just helping my OWN kids with speech (after my own history of not saying my /r/s...it could come in handy!)

My siblings have been AMAZING here in Provo and told me all of their schedules for next semester and when they might be able to watch the little guy while I'm in class. It almost seemed too good to be true. It wouldn't be easy, and there would be a lot of juggling required, but someone was available for almost every time I'd be in class! I even contacted the professors for next semester and let them know I'd probably miss the first few weeks of class and they said I'd have to work hard to stay on top of getting notes/keeping up on my own, but they'd work with me. So Tyler and I are thinking: This might work! Of course- not the most ideal situation- but- just maybe...

Well- I went in for my 37 week doctor's appointment and expected it to last about 2 minutes just like all my other appointments have. After waiting for over an hour to even be seen, they told me our little guy was breech and that I had 3 options: hope he'd turn on his own, try to turn him and hope it worked and didn't require an emergency C-section, or just plan on having a C-section (PLUS- I had high blood pressure that they were also concerned about and wanted me to be on bed rest-- HA! Luckily I only had one more day of classes and then I just had to work on submitting my finals the next week). Well, that's not the news I wanted to hear. I have had a remarkably "easy" pregnancy in my mind, especially when I hear about what others go through, so I was really hoping/expecting to just finish it out without any other real complications. 

*Now, before I go on any more- I have to say that I realize there are a LOT worse things that could have happened and both Tyler and I truly did feel blessed to have made it this far without any other problems. It really was a miracle that we had such a healthy baby boy on the way, recognizing some never even have that opportunity. Working with those in the field of special education and with URLEND and the cases I see of families with special health care needs-- again, there are a lot of other situations that could bring more "devastating news". But- this is me admitting some of my MANY weaknesses and how I had quite the "poor me" moment when I really didn't have any room to complain at all. 

The doctor told me that the procedure to turn the baby was only successful about 50% of the time and just feeling my belly, he didn't know that I had a lot of  room for them to try. He also said it could be quite uncomfortable for me, as they externally push on my abdomen to try to force him to flip...which brings with it the risk of causing the baby distress and then needing to perform an emergency C-section (though- they reassured me that was a rare occurrence-but why they have to do the procedure in the hospital). So, Tyler and I had to decide what we wanted to do. I was feeling pretty upset and immediately started thinking of "worse-case-scenarios". I have an almost irrational fear of anesthesia and pray constantly that I won't have to have major surgery, as the fear of being put under might just do me in. (Again, I should have realized how lucky I've been to NOT have had to have major surgery up to this point). I knew that C-sections involve a whole different recovery process- including more time- which I then was thinking: there's no way I could think about doing classes. I was also upset when I realized the entire birth experience would be different having a C-section. I even jumped ahead (yes, this is how my brain works- I really do start thinking about ANYTHING related)- how I've heard that once you have a C-section, that might be the only way to deliver in the future and that it could actually limit how many pregnancies one can have. More devastation. Not only had I just convinced myself in a few short hours that I might die in the delivery process now, or, IF I lived- we would already be limited to the number of kids we could have. I know...I was being irrational and over-dramatic. In hindsight, I'm embarrassed to admit all this, but, I'm being honest about what I was thinking. 

I got a blessing from Tyler and my brother, Ben, that evening. It really helped me feel calm and even though there were no guarantees mentioned- I was promised that I could rely on my Savior to help me through this and that He did understand any pain and discomfort I might have. At least I can honestly say that I was grateful for the Priesthood in my home, and for having a knowledge of the Atonement (even if I obviously need to increase my faith and personal application of it).  

I still had long conversations with my mom and sister, Rachel, about our options, to whom I sincerely apologize for taking up so much of their time complaining. I told both of them that I didn't know if I could be as excited as I wanted to be about having a baby if it wasn't the way I imagined it would be. My sister was trying so hard to help me stay positive and both told me that in the end, the most important thing was that we'd have a baby! It didn't REALLY matter HOW he had to come. I also feel bad and apologize to my mom-- here I was complaining to HER about things not turning out how I had imagined...when SHE was the one who chose to be a full time mom rather than do her Masters program and her second baby changed the rest of her life in ways she never could have imagined...our entire family in fact. And yet, I NEVER heard her complain. She is an incredible example to me of accepting the Lord's will and plan, maybe without knowing all the answers for the "whys" and "hows", but having the faith to move forward. I hope one day I can have even an ounce of the faith she has. I'm grateful for our loving families that immediately were praying for us, and especially my mom and sister that just let me vent and have a selfish "me" moment. I know- this is a lot of personal information for a silly blog, but, I felt bad after talking to them, that I was giving the impression that if I couldn't have the "perfect" pregnancy, then I was no longer excited to have a baby. 

I want it to be in writing that I couldn't be more excited. Tyler has always been so good about remaining positive and believing that things will work out in the end as they are meant to. He has such faith and trust in the Lord, I feel so blessed to have him by my side. He let me cry on his shoulder and held me in his arms, while telling me what I already knew: we were weeks away from having a little baby boy to hold- OUR little boy. THAT was the important thing. He was concerned for my safety and acknowledged my fears, and once again, let me lean on his faith to believe that things would work out- even if it was different than both of us imagined. (In case it wasn't clear before, I LOVE him so much!) One of the things that was most upsetting to me about a C-section was that I was afraid I'd be "missing out" on the real experience of labor and that it wouldn't feel as "real" to me not going through all that. (To which those that have experienced IT have reassured me- it would still feel real enough either way!) It's just ironic, because just a few short years ago I had told my mom I might not be able to hold my newborn for a week or so afraid of it looking too "alienesque" for me to really love...and here I was saying that's now why I was upset- that I wouldn't GET to immediately hold my newborn "alien" baby!!! Ü Yes. I have had a change of heart being pregnant these last 9 months and feeling his (sometimes not-so-little) movements inside of me! There has been a living person inside of me...and now I can't WAIT to see him (I haven't ever really been able to tell what they're pointing at on the ultrasound screens!). Even though I try to imagine the feeling of being handed our son for the first time, I'm afraid it's something that can't be imagined and is just one of those things that must be experienced first-hand to really understand the magic of that moment...which is something I can't wait for! 

(And this is why I shouldn't blog- I just get long-winded!) 

Tyler and I decided to give the procedure a try, so after only finishing 1 1/2 of my finals, (it was harder than I thought it would be to stay focused and work with this on my mind!) and praying we wouldn't be the small percentage of  those who required a C-section so I could still finish my finals by Friday- we went in on Wednesday morning to see if this little guy would cooperate! I had to be hooked up to an IV and the doctor was running late (performing a C-section)- so we just had to wait for a good 2 hours before he came in. They took one look on the ultrasound and confirmed he was head up, but the doctor was pleasantly surprised to see there was a good amount of amniotic fluid- which would make it easier to turn him. After getting medicine to relax my muscles, and being warned it might get uncomfortable- the doctor pushed on my stomach for less than a minute and then- FLIP- he said "Well, he's head down now!" What!? All THAT- for less than a minute?! I couldn't believe it! They monitored his heart beat for almost an hour after, to make sure things remained stable, but it had worked! He got his feet taken out from under him, but he cooperated! *They told me there was a chance he'd flip around again, seeing how easily they were able to turn him, but there's nothing more I can do to keep him head down...it's just a waiting game now.

Final analysis: I flunked. If this was just a little "test" to see how I react to any little disturbance or "bump" in the road- yup, as you now know, I failed miserably. I have a lot of room for improvement in strengthening my faith and my trust in the Lord. I have new admiration for those that actually DO have trials and are able to go through them with so much more grace and humility than I did. There is still not a guarantee that things will go smoothly (though- we can hope and pray they will!)- but I feel that this was an important lesson I needed to learn and a "wake-up" call for the future...for whatever challenges may come.  

One little "hidden blessing" of going in for this procedure-
we got to see where to go in the hospital and see what the
delivery room will be like! Now we'll be ready for the REAL thing!

I really had to force myself to work to finish up my finals on time- but I did it- just barely! The minute I hit the last "submit" button, Tyler was telling me "Ok, we're ready for him!" And we sure are! 

Even though there have been some "stresses" to get through (and they're still monitoring my high blood pressure) - being pregnant at this time of the year has helped me realize just how blessed we are (and especially how blessed I am!) There is no better gift that could have been given to the world than the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ. I am so grateful for His life, His example, His sacrifice for all- for ME. Being pregnant with my first at this time sheds new light on the Christmas story for me and yet I still can't even come close to understanding what Mary might have felt knowing she was going to give birth to the Son of God. Even knowing that I have a special child of God inside me just makes me feel overwhelmed with love and gratitude for this opportunity to have a family here on earth and that we can grow and learn from each other and be together, FOREVER. While we may have a small and simple Christmas celebration this year with few actual presents, it couldn't be more perfect! (Even if this little man decides to come on Christmas Day! What a present that will be!) 

MERRY  CHRISTMAS!!!!